New Me, New Life, New Home

MONDAY, MAY 31, 2010

New Me, New Life, New Home

Events that shape our lives on a daily basies can hit you so hard and fast, that you have no time to think about other things that are in your orbit. In September, my little planet was hit hard by a few little meteor showers that did burn and pierce through my protective ozone. Since then, nothing about blogging seemed important to me anymore. Oh, I still thought about the people behind the blogs, in fact I care deeply about everyone that has visited here. Most importantly, I have a small handful of blogging friends that have come more than just blogging buddies. Patricia, Bonnie, Lauracita, Lee Laurie and Stevie, Sue and Loida and her dear family are as close to me as if they were my next door neighbors. I owe them so much.



In September my very best friend (MA) disclosed to me that she and her husband were separating. In fact, she informed me that she getting a divorce. My heart sank as low as it could go and I felt in my interior that my friend was going to drop a bomb shell on me. She did and what happened to me was that I was filled with such a rage that I felt that I wanted to hurt someone.....I wanted to hurt him (her husband). I loved her and her husband dearly. There was nothing that they wouldn't do for me and my husband or for others that were in need. They were very involved with their church and their children were and continue to be pretty darned special in my eyes. MA's disclosure came at a time when other events were happening in my life and it was such a sad time for the two people that I loved, to be going through this awful and ultimately painful parting. Long story short, MA had been physically abused by her husband all those years and I never knew...never had an inkling that this had been going on. The fact that this man was in my wedding is so abhorrent to me that I start to shake and there is no controlling my mouth. I am not one to curse. I was so digusted by the fact that she told me that he abandoned his family one day...left his youngest son (10 yrs. old) with the grandson who was less than a year old. He just walked out and drove to Dallas where his parents live. MA lost her mother almost two years ago of cancer and when she told me that during the time when her mother was bedridden he would hurt her (MA) and I have to say here that when all was said and done, I called her husband and it did not end well. I will never forgive him for what he did to my sweet MA. I'm not sure what happened to him. He is, for lack of a better word..insane. Something broke inside his head. This is not the man I used to know.

In late December, my sweet mother flew to Alaska to visit my nieces for Christmas and she planned to stay through the rest of December until mid January. A few days in to her visit, mom tripped over the family dog in the hallway and shattered her right shoulder. She finally managed to crawl to the living room and that is where my brother in-law found her. He immediately took her to the emergency room and they instructed her to fly back to Lubbock as soon as possible to have surgery. They shot her up with pain killers and morphine and she flew home. To this day I have no idea how my mother was able to withstand the pain and the flight home.

My husband and I drove to Lubbock as fast as we could and made it there before mom. Monday, December 28th, mom was taken in to surgery at 5:45 a.m. My father, my husband, my sis and my uncle were in the waiting room. We were rejoicing because mom's surgeon informed us that the surgery should only take about three hours maybe even less. Joy. We all relaxed and my sis stretched herself across a couple of chairs and was resting..dad dozed and my uncle and my husband were chatting and I was waiting for my aunt and my cousins to arrive. I knew that my aunt wanted to be there for when mom came out of her surgery but I also knew that my aunt had not been feeling well and probably would not have felt like coming to the hospital so early. At 6:45 a.m. my cell rang and I heard crying, running noises and sobbing. My aunt had passed away and my precious cousin Darla had found her on the floor by her bed. My aunt raised my cousins when their mother passed away in '74 from breast cancer at the age of twenty-eight. My aunt was their second mother and this double loss hit them hard. This is where my world changed..at this very moment. My parents and my aunt were the leaders of our family. Everything was taken care of by them. Now the roles had been reversed for me and my sisters and I knew that it was now our turn to take charge family matters.

I walked over to my father and gave him the news. My sis shot up and we all started crying. I had to get on the phone immediately and start making calls. This is something that my aunt and mother were always good at and I had to pull myself together. I ran out of the waiting room and in to the hallway where a cold breeze was flowing and I cried. My mother...how am I going to tell mom? I loved my aunt. That's all I need to say. It was gut wrenching. I called my cousins back to make sure they were all right. When my cousin Darla quietly whispered, "Hurry," I knew that my sister Laurie and I had to leave my mother and go to them. I was a decision that was hard but my sis and I decided that we would go. I called my sister Cyndi back in SA and as she is a Funeral Director, she immediately started on the plans and she informed me that she was on her way.

God, in his infinite love, gave us a grace period. Mom's surgery took six hours and she was in recovery for a couple of hours. We were blessed because the thought of telling mother that her beloved sister had passed away was eating at me and I just did not want to lie to my mother. I knew that she would ask about my aunt. She was put on morphine and I knew that she would be asleep most of the night. When she was wheeled into her room, I grieved for my mother. How in the world was she going to get better when her sister had just passed away. "Oh God," I prayed. "You know that my mother is in physical pain but that will heal. When we tell her the news tomorrow, please help us."

After we left my cousins and letting them know that when they needed us we would drop everything for them, my sis and I drove back to the hospital. Everthing from that point on is a blur. Dad had asked the hospital staff to put my mother's room in privacy mode. No calls were to come through. No visitors. They protected mom like a mother eagle protecting her young. My father and my siblings and our spouses gathered in mom's room the next morning and we gave her the news. Never want to re-live that again. It was decided that my aunt would be buried on Thursday December 31st in Seagraves. It had been snowing all week and temperatures were freezing while we were there.

During the whole week while mom was in the hospital, my husband my sister Laurie and I stayed with her in the room. I never slept. We would run home, never leaving mom alone and take a shower, change and head back to the hospital. I never saw my sister Cyndi except when she came to the hospital to see mom before she had to head back to the funeral home and to my cousins side. She had to handle the funeral arrangements and be there for my cousins who were emotionally crippled by the loss. My heart just ached for them and for my mother.

Some how we all got through it. Mom was able to be released and was able to attend my aunt's funeral. I can't tell you how proud I was of my husband who tended to my mother's every need. He really missed his calling as a nurse. Not only did he take care of my mother but he took care of me and my dad. He was my rock.

I have definitely grown up since December. Trying to take care of my own medical problems is a daily battle but I'm getting there. I just had to push myself away for a while. I've had two other losses since then that have impacted me deeply. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing will ever change the fact that I lost the girl in me back in December. I guess that happens to everyone at some point in time.

Mom is doing well. She will never have full motion in her shoulder but she is going to physical therapy and tells me that she loves to exercise at home with a pulley contraption. Nothing keeps that woman down! Both mom and dad are on their way this week to stay with us and I can't wait to see them and have them be our first guests, in our new home.

So now I am sitting here in my living room with my beloved hubby. I thought this day would never get here. It did. With a lot of prayer. And lot's of thoughts about you. Loving thoughts because I missed you. It's time to come back.

Deanna